Back from a long and overly due time off

Ah, the wait has been much too long my friends! Now that I find myself complete with school I have the daunting task of finding employment. For me, it seems as though all my time in school has sheltered me from the world and what has been going on in it. After a rebound relationship with another guy named Erik my broken heart has finally healed; or at least it feels that way for now. I realized that when I started this blog 2 years ago I was such a different person in so many ways but at the same time I'm quite happy into the young woman I have become. LA has definitely taken it's toll on me physically as now when I hear my father make comments such as, "Wow, you sure have lost a lot of weight!", it makes me smile! Be as it may, I have come to appreciate the superficiality that plagues these city streets; at least people take care of themselves. With that said I'm speaking with my high school sweetheart who wrote quite a lovely poem for his rather unfaithful girlfriend. This leads me to question how two people who have never met and only chatted online can be "In Love". If you ask me it's quite silly and ridiculous. As for why he would write her a song/poem I'm unsure, but, I still do find the gesture quite kind. My love life or lack of one hopefully will change in the soon future as I have a few more dates lined up for the weekend. I think I'm ready to fall in love again after a long wait. If I do have a promising date than I shall change my profile picture but until then it shall remain the same of an old yet distant memory that I hold very close to my heart.

old flow

Thursday, June 19, 2008
Spittin a Beat Producin a Flow Current mood: content
We want an adventuresomething freshsomething new
to walk the city streets the ones with no lightsto spit out sick beats that chronical our nights
to dip into forbidden fruitto do things that would make our guys give us the boot
dancing till the sun comes upprancing around like we don't give a fuck
We will have our timeBust out the the sick flowsPop out them mad sights
All we need is some time Give it to us, we'll blow your mindFor the night is still youngBetter to plan it out till the dawn comes up at one♥

Purge of the poems

October 11th,2008

Stars

The stars in the sky remind me of youDancing wind caresses my shoulders leading my mind to wanderto thoughts of youkisses outisdewhere no one could find usWe hid as if it were our little secret.Travling across ocean sand to get to the salty wavesmaking memories into pictures that will live on foreverThe pictures always stay in constant while the people in themare constantly changing and will never be those people depicted again.But it's the beauty of human life that makes this sowe must embrace the different ways of different cultures so as to not only let them feel as if they are home but to also learn a lot more either from or about themselves. What they do share with us is very personal because we are the first of our kind to develop any kind of relationship with them.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Wish you were here Current mood

I wish you were here to help me pass the time
To hold hands
To lay in the grass
To talk about the future as we watch the clouds pass by.
I wish you could help me study into the early hours of the morning
Make me breakfast to surprise me
Give me hugs that leave me crying
I wish I could take all those miles between us and shorten them to nothing
Play you my guitar when your not feeling the best
Sing you songs that relieve your stress

THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS!!! Sadly I don't think I'll finish it

Sunday, October 05, 2008

It’s not till it’s gone

Your pushing me away and you dont' even know it
I guess your just too busy with other shit to care anymore
What happened to the guy I used to know?
The one who would always call me and text me cause he couldn't bear to be away?
Sometimes it feels like your changing and you don't even see it

Sunday, July 13, 2008

forward forward back

All the going forward
All the pushing me to the front
it's all been for nothing
i'm back to the back
the old habbits kicking in
my mind not knowing what's going on anymore
the devil he laughs so jovial at my now downward spiral
i'm throwing up my hands hoping someone will catch me to break me from the fall
i see no one above me and i feel alone and scared. its not seattle i'm in yet it feels that way all over again. i'm reaching and reaching but no one is reaching back. What do i have to do to make someone listen, to make someone understand that it's not all okay. That i'm not all okay. that i need help
cause i'm falling down this hole so dark and alone and i don't see anyone near to catch me. i'm crying in a pool of my blood tears and snot. wiping away the pain with the little tissue i can obtain. who is out there to save me from my own worst enemy. The one who has stayed dormant all these years only to appear now. i fear my end is near and i'm scared that he's not here trying to make this better. I thought he said he loved me. But maybe it's because he isn't IN LOVE with me. I know he's going to leave me when he finds out about this. How could he love a monster like me? Love can't save me now, only a miracle. I used to believe that if i was happy this would never happen again but look again, it has. And now i'm terrified that i'm going to die and i wont have him beside me yelling that everything is going to turn out fine


Thursday, July 03, 2008

Dreams made a reality

I've never felt a love this strong or true
Never felt like I could do everything and more
My winters have turned to spring
The lonely days are gone, the pain is now missing
Bright and happy are the times we share
No more darkness, sad times or despair
You make the world a happier place
You fill my heart with warming words and peaceful grace
For you i'll be strong
For you i'll always hold on
For you I'll always be true
For you I'll swim across oceans blue<3

Monday, June 16, 2008

Falling<3

When you hold me close i'm in heaven
when you look into my eyes i melt
When you kiss me it takes my breath away
When you tell me you love me it makes me feel something so beautiful i can't describe it
You are my lover
You are my friend
You are the one my heart said yes to
You are the one I desire
The one who makes my life worthwhile<3

Monday, May 19, 2008
Mirror/Wishes/Romance/Happily ever after?

Makeup mirror staring back at my face
Asking what tragic beauty i wish to emmulate today

A snow white?
A sleeping beauty who trusts her prince will come for her
and that's he's a handsome devil too
Or just me in my simple tragic life?
But he'll find me and we'll be together forever
Silly me that's the stuff of fairy tales and legends. I'll never find a prince.
Lo and behold she was the one found by the prince instead
And everyday they are together it's happily ever after all over again



Evening

Sunset orange blue and pink mixed with black and gold
falling out over the oceanside
casting it's rare wave on the glow
He calmly walks up behind me
i feel his hands in the cold
Night is gently falling
No more colorful hued skys to light the way for us
only stars once more
The moon shines down her loving smile
all the paths are alight
all the places clear for us
Let us forever walk during sunsets
Always have each other close, hand in hand
Let me give you my heart
for safekeeping not some dumb trend.


Friday, May 16, 2008

Sanctuary

Take me awayfrom this place from this unreal hellI want to be freeHelp me sleepHelp me hold onto dreams so trueHelp me keep the ones so realYou know what to doCome one baby, lets drive awayWe can get away, we can always go backlets go back to the ocean blueWhere the sky is filled with large white cloudsand the grass is always a deep forrest greenWe can feel the sand beneath our feetAnd smile in the evening sunsetWe'll watch the moon rise up to meet us with a gentle glowWe can share all these things, just pick me up and lets go go go


Friday, May 09, 2008

Eyes Re-Opened

Searching
watching
waiting
taking life head on
Highs without lows
Deep with no shallow
Sky with no clouds
Stars with no Space
Life without death
Music with no sound
Staring at a ceeling with no walls
moving in a body without a sound
breathing with no lungs
Dreaming with no mind
Existing with no purpose
Mechanical dolls in a world of lies
Breaking free of the chains of bondage
Highs with hardly any lows
Deepness of love in ones heart, no more shallow superficiality
Sky's filled with large puffy clouds
Stars in a glorious galaxy in space
Life with no fear of death
Music with emotion in it's every note and lyric
Walls not keeping you in, but keeping a strong roof above
Freely moving to the beats in your mind in a young agile body
Breath's of air in lungs pure and young
Dreaming dreams with an open and accepting mind
Existing to fulfill a purpose greater than what can be imagined
Dolls with heart to play and no longer under the control of lies
Embracing the warm arms of freedom once more
We have found purpose in life and as such we will strive to make others aware of this miracle. Another day of life, another day by your side, another day grateful I'm yours and your mine


Sunday, May 04, 2008

Midnight Writings

Your the fairy tale i sought to find
the man who could make my wildest dreams come true
With you all my hopes for the future seem real
I'm finally living in a dream and I never want it to end
Sometimes I'm just waiting to wake up it's so unreal
Your love keeps me going day after day
I'd wait in the tallest towers for you
I know you would come for me
Your love is so intoxicating
Your kisses driving me to the brink of insanity
I'm so in love with you
Forever yours and always true<3


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Passion

Passions collide in a whirlwind of emotions
We hold each other close amidst a spinning world
Looking into each others eyes we see nothing but the love we share
It runs deep and true like the legends of old
Over the hills and under the seas
Nothing can stop us nor keep us from reaching our goals
Long as we have each other all shall be within our grasp
They toll the bells for us
And we hold each others hands tight as we walk off into the sunset
No time to look back, we only look forward
Looking to a future with each other never looking back.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

Life’s Mysterious Ways

The stars hich fall from the sky look so beautiful when your near
Though they burn with fury bright and hurl towards the earth so dangerously I feel safe in your warm embrace

Nothing can harm us when we are complete
When we are one with the earth the trees the water and air

You sing me songs of love in springtime
Tell me of a future yet to be had
shared together, we’ll go on hand and hand

Stories of a house to raise children in
we both laugh at what a cloudy future may bring
Hopefully it works out in our favor

Pills are what make the world go round

I'm not even sure where to start. My brain is scattered and full of a million thoughts that all are racing to get out first. Tonight...today, it all doesn't make sense. Everything sort of meshes together somehow and I get sort of lost in the middle of it. I can't figure out what came first and what came last. Take a number please and I'll get back to you as soon as I can is what I'm trying to tell these racing thoughts. I want order, I want structure, I want reassurance that these pills are actually going to HELP me for once and not make everything WORSE. I was hesitant to get back on anything but as soon as I started getting adjusted to the Effexor I started to notice that my mind was changing and I couldn't do a fucking thing about it. I feel like my depression is this large black brooding clould that follows me around everywhere I go. I know it's going to get me sooner or later but I don't know when. I want them to give me uppers. Give me some amphetamines so I wont be so down and gloomy. I want a false happiness that I can run to when it's all too much to deal with. Or hell, turn me into the living dead. Put me on so many pills that I no longer am the same person anymore. Then I'll be able to find out if Eric really loves me or not. I talked to Nikki today about depression. I hate that i have it in the first place. It's a pain in the ass. I'm doing good in school for once, I have a 4.0 and yet I'm not happy. In fact I feel so empty it's not even funny. I feel like a hollow shell wandering around just looking for something to make me complete again. Something to fill the void.

Fillers

This is what I used to "Claim" to be into. Some of it is true, some of it I've never listened to.

"its mostly metal although i like some folk (scandinavian or celtic folk) and symphonic music, here are some of my favs, children of bodom, arch enemy, einherjer, finntroll, kamelot, ensiferum, kalmah, epica, folkearth, nightwish, norther, novembers doom,otyg, wintersun, ram-zet, bathory, lacuna coil, windir, turisas, therion, nord ulv, leaves eyes, lumsk, thyrfing, falkenbach, mithotyn, battlelore, dark tranquility vintersorg, Funeral Mist, Symphony X, Type O Negative, Kamelot, Sonata Arctica more to come!"

These were what I said were my intrests.

"sunrises, sunsets, metal, guitars, winter, beauty, vikings (and their history and culture) medieval history, fantasy art/literature, friends, opera, swords, playing music, listening to music"

This is what I used to explain ME.

"I'm still finding out the mystery of "Life". At 20 years old I can't say I've lived a whole lot but my life experiences thus far will say otherswise. I've an affinity for broadway musicals and playing the piano. Anything musical captivates me and as such, my life has a soundtrack. Eric has brought so much joy into my life and I look forward to every single day I get to spend in his strong arms♥ Love like that doesn't just happen overnight, it takes time to get there. And now that I have love like that, it's not going ANYWHERE :]"

These were my quotes.

"a schilling and six pence? What on earth am i to do with this?
Michael Angelos is convinced John McCain is dead and his animated body is being controlled by the reptilian powers of Cindy McCain. .
omg yes you read my mind dude. Did you get on the mind train in london and bring sweeney with you to tell me this? One day, you better teach me how you did it!-Me
inuyasha700x (10:04:22 PM): yeah he got 5ooo songs of Came-A-Lot, Iced Turd, Night Jizz, And Sodomy in Antarctica
My god even given the chance I'd have to say I'm going solo on this one
John Wang is more concerned about the threat of the inevitable zombie invasion than his finals.
Shinra SOLDIER X (11:46:12 AM): pirates are lame homos with one leg a parrot fetish can only fight in groups and can only be decent at seaShinra SOLDIER X (11:46:19 AM): and they have gay hats
"If hoe's had a nigga then bitches would say please."-Matt
"Don't whine about Communist China if your a Soviet!"-Mattjust got home its 3:30 and its raining out and smells of garbage and dirty college students, nasty.
"When I shake a womans hand and it's a hard handshake I think, "what a lesbian". -Mexican Mateo
John Wang is Helicopter Man. Until he fails out of UW and ends up as Jacking-Off-In-Front-of-Taco-Del-Mar-Man (The Asian Chapter).
LuvLikeMorphine: when did you start to figure i liked you?shadowedwolf66: well I was getting shocks of.. oooooooooo hey hey, in the car. Then it hit me harder when we were watching the movie. then finally I was punched in the face with your sweet kiss
"Thats a whole lot of emo and i'm a whole lot of don't give a fuck" - Matt My Brother
"The room was not impressively large, even by Manhattan apartment-house standards, but it's accumulated furnishings might have lent a snug appearance to a banquet hall in Valhalla."
"thanks for showing me who I never want to be...EVER AGAIN! and exactly the kind of person I DONT want to be with" -jen lifland (GOD)"

Now I'm making renovations in my life and finally admitting what I do and don't like. I'm not copying and pasting from other peoples profiles in attempts to win people over.

8 months and nothing to show

Today my boyfriend and i had our 8 month mark. I'm quite dissapointed as all I got on his part was a text message after i sent him one around 10:30 at night. I sometimes wonder if he's trying to push me away with this lack of communication. But then I remember what a busy guy he is and it makes me start to feel guilty of picking on him. Matt & I celebrated though and with the Dodgers winning 6-2 I couldn't be happier. This whole week so far was rough. I don't know how i managed it but I did. Except i lost 90 dollars worth of makeup, a bronser blush duo by NARS, some NARS gloss, and my new bronser brush. I can't find it anywhere and now i'm spazzing out about it. Hopefully my good karma works in my favor. And soon I hope. I seem to be hoping for a lot of stuff to happen. I shall have to wait and see.

The Inner workings of the human mind

We all look to our souls for answers

we look for guidance in the midst of wrongdoings

Blindly following the opposition

In time we shall learn the lessons of our forefathers

for to be one with nature, to be one of the earth

you must make sacrifice to makes the ends meet

to tie together, to really learn what it is that makes us two parts of one.

To be the other half of someone.

Doubts

Sometimes I really doubt myself. Today is no exception to say the least. I'm letting what my best friend says get in my head and it's not good. She doesn't think my boyfriend does enough for me and now I'm starting to think she may be right. But I know she's not, everyone shows their affection differently. He just tends to show it when I'm physically there and I show it when I'm there with him and when I'm back in the hell i live in for the next 9 months. I love him to death there is no doubt in my mind of that, but why should I let stupid thoughts plague me? So what if he doesn't send me flowers or cards. Not every guy does that and it costs money. He shows he cares with the little things he does, and they add up quickly. I think I just miss him so much at this point that I'm feeling like crap. I fell in love quicker than I ever thought I would. I mean REALLY fell in love. I have pictures of us on my wall and when I look at them it's a bitter/sweet thing. Hopefully I feel better, I hate feeling like poop.

Fun Fact: 90% of New York City cab drivers are recently arrived immigrants.