Pills are what make the world go round

I'm not even sure where to start. My brain is scattered and full of a million thoughts that all are racing to get out first. Tonight...today, it all doesn't make sense. Everything sort of meshes together somehow and I get sort of lost in the middle of it. I can't figure out what came first and what came last. Take a number please and I'll get back to you as soon as I can is what I'm trying to tell these racing thoughts. I want order, I want structure, I want reassurance that these pills are actually going to HELP me for once and not make everything WORSE. I was hesitant to get back on anything but as soon as I started getting adjusted to the Effexor I started to notice that my mind was changing and I couldn't do a fucking thing about it. I feel like my depression is this large black brooding clould that follows me around everywhere I go. I know it's going to get me sooner or later but I don't know when. I want them to give me uppers. Give me some amphetamines so I wont be so down and gloomy. I want a false happiness that I can run to when it's all too much to deal with. Or hell, turn me into the living dead. Put me on so many pills that I no longer am the same person anymore. Then I'll be able to find out if Eric really loves me or not. I talked to Nikki today about depression. I hate that i have it in the first place. It's a pain in the ass. I'm doing good in school for once, I have a 4.0 and yet I'm not happy. In fact I feel so empty it's not even funny. I feel like a hollow shell wandering around just looking for something to make me complete again. Something to fill the void.